The worst feeling in the world.

Fisticuffs, after a bout of crying blood, was treated to a trip to the vet’s office. During the car trip he acted like any normal cat, panting, crying, and generally being a pussy (!) about the whole ordeal. His plaintive wails got the better of me, and I reached into the carrier to pat his blessed little head. Suddenly it struck. The most unsettling, sinking feeling in the world–and it was surprisingly warm.

Severely irritated, Fisticuffs had turned around while my fingers were crammed through the front grate of the carrier, braced himself, and took a huge, festering shit on my hand. The smell tore through the car before I had realized exactly what had happened. Keep in mind that I drive a standard, and my right hand was now trapped (less I spread peanut buttery goo about the car) in the carrier. In a display of my awesome genius, I managed to single-handedly (!) summon a napkin (accio napkin!) across the car, while maneuvering onto an off ramp, and popping the car out of gear with my elbow. By the time we arrived at the vet’s office, Fisticuffs had rolled around in his feces, caking himself in it, and pressing it out of the side of the carrier, like play-dough through a pasta machine.

I fear I will never recover.

The aftermath.

I always forget about my paramount destiny and mission!

“The natural and proper timidity and delicacy which belongs to the female sex evidently unfits it for many of the occupations of civil life.”

“The paramount destiny and mission of woman are to fulfill the noble and benign offices of wife and mother. This is the law of the Creator. And the rules of civil society must be adapted to the general constitution of things, and cannot be based upon exceptional cases…”

–Bradwell v. Illinois (1873)

Mommy was an orator, Daddy was a philanthropist.

“Recent polls have shown 1/5 of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so, because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the U.S., should help the U.S. , or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, and so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!